Gear Change Up

Thursday, January 19, 2006

When you're tired, you're numb, you're stressed, and you're mad....

You just have to remember. It all works out in the end.

And if it's not working out? Obviously, it's not the end.

It's hard to say what's wrong. Nothing is really wrong. I wake up and ride and then go talk to a person or two, think about things, and then write about them. Then I read my book. It's a good life.

But something is off in the balance for equilibrium, because I'm not feeling it. I don't know if its the travel that is wearing a bit. I'm definitely mentally tired. Constant planning, always planning for the day, for the week, for the month ahead, for the months ahead because everything you do has a consequence, and when you run out of money that's it. That's pressure. That doesn't help.

Maybe it's that I'm bored? I don't know. Biking. It's an adventure, sure, but it's something I would be doing no matter where I was. All of a sudden it's my whole day and my whole life for a year...but really, it doesn't take up that much of my time. I feel unstructured. And when I feel unstructured I feel like I don't have a plan. And if I don't have a plan, what the hell am I doing?

Or maybe trying to stay focused. That's been the biggest challenge in New Zealand. This is a place I am coming back to with a month and a ton of money. Because there is so much to do here that I straight up to not have the funding for. It's hard to live in the moment when all I can seemingly do is worry about the consequences for the future. Because not only does this thing have to succeed, I need to be able to do it in the manner that I want. So, lot's done, lot's to do, lot's to think about doing in the future. Sometimes it's so big that I'm not sure how to do it, or if it's going to work out. I don't know. Maybe trying to travel for a year and buy a bike and live off a stipend was a really dumb idea. I want to go home, but at the same time I don't. Because while I don't really think that I am meant to wander the world for the rest of my life, I just got an e-mail from Hamilton about an opportunity to be an administrative assistant. And I don't think I'm supposed to do that either.

I don't know. Whatever will be will be, so I sure wish I could just chill out and enjoy the time while I have it.

As Bela Karolyi would say, "Yew kan dew eet."

Sometimes I hate that guy.

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